Never wanted
by Ellstra
Summary: Marvel s POV on the games. A bit of Clato here, too. Contain few rude words.


I´ve never wanted to be a part of the games. But I had to volunteer because they picked my best friend and I know he would never be able to win. He had a terrible, sick crush on the female tribute from our District and I didn´t want him to die. And as I knew him, he would never stayed alive if she died.

It´s not like I didn´t understand why he loved her. She was beautiful and I liked her too, but I would never admit. He wasn´t talking about anybody else - I doubt he could have ever seen amybody but her – and that´s why I never even thought about if I like her or not.

But when I got in the same arena as her, I had more time to meet her. Actually she was much more amazing than I thought a girl could be. She was charming, people loved her and she knew it. She absolutely didn´t care about me, I think she considered me as a cute, but silly and naive boy whose heart she stole. And I´m afraid it´s true. I really fell in love with her despite it was stupid. I loved her and hated her in the same time, because I knew she would never love me back even though I´m sure she knew it. And I hated her for it, she just did it worse when she was flirting with me like she didn´t know what I feel for her. In that moment I thought she liked me, I hoped I had some chance of getting her. And then she flirted with Cato – the boy from Distrit Two – being attractive and beautiful. To give a credit to him, he didn´t seem very interested in her tries to seduce him. I didn´t understand it. She was so beautiful – but it seemed like he didn´t care about her, he even frowned at her and responded in one-word answers. As if she bothered him. He seemed to like the girl from his District, Clove, who was almost worse than him. They were rude and sadistic and I think they were the reason why all the other tributes hate the careers. They were just so cheeky, cocky and sarcastic… I don´t want to know how it looks in their district if all the people are like that in there.

Never mind, I just had periods of loving Glimmer to death and hating Glimmer to death. Once I was overwhelmed with her presence – she was so stunning in her interview dress – and then I realized the situation I was in. I was a tribute – I had a really big chance of dying in few weeks – and she was my fellow tribute – at least one of us was gonna die and I didn´t know who I wanted to be the one. I just couldn´t decide. I hated myself for being that weak.

The first days in the arena were terrible, I thought the worst I´d ever experienced. All the killing, blood and screech of the other tributes… I think I was the most pathetic career tribute ever. I killed some of them but I was absolutely loathed by myself. I had terrible nightmares, I could see all the dead, not just that I killed, I saw their scared faces and also how they looked after I killed them. I actually couldn´t understand Cato and Clove. They seemed so interested with the killing. They shared a tent and I had never tried to figure out what they were doing, but I wouldn´t be surprised if they were doing something… oh my god, they were so brutal as if they almost weren´t people at all. I found them being absolutely different than we were, they enjoyed killing and really planned how to kill the tributes as awfully as possible. And they really used that. It scared me at first. When I got used to it, I loathed them, I considered them to be what the other districts´ people thought we are – killing machines, unable to feel anything, totally heartless and ruthless.

Glimmer and the District four girl seemed to like each other, I thought they were talking about nail polishes, eyelashes, hair styles and stuff like that. The last tribute in our alliance was that District Twelve boy – Peeta, I think – but he seemed absolutely out of reality. Cato and Clove laughed at him all the time and said he was a weakling and stupid, but I couldn´t fight the feel they actually envy him. I did. I was so jealous because he had that idea – and also courage – to say all the country about his love. He looked so broken when we were searching for her. I didn´t get how Cato could ever thought Peeta was gonna lead us to the Girl on fire. He wasn´t gonna do it. Never. And I secretly thought Cato just wanted to tease him because of that love-confession. But it´s only a guess, I would never say this to him.

I wasn´t prepared for Glimmer´s death. I was glad it wasn´t me to die. I was glad it wasn´t me to be the one who killed her. But it still came too soon. I thought we really caught Katnice - or whatever her name was - that night she climbed up the tree. I saw Peeta thought the same, because he looked so broken. He curled up into a ball and didn´t react on anything. Cato was in good mood and Clove looked so interested in how they were gonna kill her I almost wanted to do the same as Peeta. I lay down and just pretended I´m not here. They were playing a game they called: _guess which way of killing I´m thinking about_. I felt disgusted. Glimmer and the Four were talking about something stupid again.

In the morning I woke up I knew something went wrong. I heard some hum and then I felt a terrible pain in my left shoulder. I heard somebody screaming something about a lake and I didn´t need much time to think it´s a good idea. I hear one of the screaming voices more loudly than the others. Glimmer screeched in pain, but I have the _I hate Glimmer_ part of the day in that moment so I didn´t care. I just ran away, as fast as I could. I should have cared. I should have at least tried to help her, or die with her. It would be much better than staying alive. It was just for a little while and that time was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I spent few days in terrible halucinations and nightmares. I saw Glimmer die, my friends die, me die, my family die - everybody I´ve ever met die – in that awful ways Clove and Cato had been talking about. And after that, I woke up and see that the nightmare hadn´t gone and never would. Glimmer died. It was so easy as everything, Cato just said this to me. Like he was talking about killing a fly.

I´d heard him talking about cruciating people, torturing them. It shouldn´t have surprised me, because actually he didn´t care about her or the Four girl. It was two tributes to kill less. I should have expected this, but the voice, violent and rude, Cato used to announce it to me broke my heart. He looked absolutely terrifing, with the tracker jacker sting under his eye and with the bad frown in face. I didn´t know what was going on until I realized Clove hadn´t waken up yet. I heard her scream in pain, saw her body shaking with sobs and I knew she suffered as much as I had. And then I looked at Cato who seemed to be in even worse mood than usual sitting next to her and whispering something. He was holding her hand when he thought I wasn´t looking and I didn´t see it properly but I thought he kissed her on forehead once.

I felt terrible. I had never felt like this before. I was all alone – even Peeta had disappeared. I did´t have enough courage to ask Cato about him, but I knew he was alive. I had no idea what happened, but I didn´t care. I was left alone with Cato afraid about losing Clove who was screaming his name in pain. I was the third person nobody wanted. I didn´t know where the District Three boy had gone for that moment, but I had to watch two people I´d considered as heartless moaning each other´s name. I felt so lonely it almost hurt. They at least have somebody to cry for. I hadn´t. I lost Glimmer because I hated her for loving her. Did it make any sense? I don´t think so. But it doesn´t matter. All I could think about was that I lost the girl I loved without even trying to help her. As I was watching Cato – ruthless Cato – whispering Clove´s name with such emotion I knew he would never let her die without trying to save her. And if it had been impossible, he would have at least stayed with her until the very end. And then he would have avenged her. And what had I done? I had left Glimmer die, run away and now I sat there and pitied myself.

Then District Three boy came back. I didn´t care about him much, my head still ached and I was absolutely empty, but Cato seemed to be less out of the situation. It took me some time to realize it was because Clove stopped talking while sleeping. Then she woke up, but nothing was the same. Cato cared more about her, he didn´t let her go anywhere without him and act like she was a small child or a pregnant woman. She was a bit upset, but I thought it was mostly because she didn´t want to look weak. She was glad he cared so much about her.

One night the Three boy was far away, on the other side of our camp. I thought he was afraid of us. I laid in my tent but I couldn´t sleep. Cato and Clove were sitting outside and it seemed they had a good time. I didn´t want to hear it but I did.

„Hey, just tell me. You promised to be honest." I heard Cato´s voice. She waited for some time to reply.

„You act like I keep promises. But yeah, I think I´ll answer, but only if you answer the same question too." She sounded like she was purring. She could have been a very desirable girl if she wasn´t so violent. But I think she was so violent for him. He liked her. She was his little girl, his personal drug. It was everything that mattered. I was jealous again.

„Ok, then. You start."  
„I don´t believe you´re gonna tell it, anyway. But… yeah, I am a virgin." She sounded a bit less confident than usual.

„I hoped so. It would be shame if you weren´t and I was." His answer is maybe not the actual: _Yes, baby, I haven´t fucked yet_ what she wanted to say, but it happened. I still didn´t want to know why are they talking about something like that.

„So… don´t you wanna change it?" she purred. It took me some time to realize what she was talking about. Did she really wanted to… to lose her virginity in the games? In front of the cameras? She was surely insane.

„Yeah… if there was somebody-" I didn´t hear what he was trying to say, but I thought I knew what happened. I tried not to hear them, but it wasn´t easy. I knew they really did it. I think they didn´t have cameras in the tent, so basically people couldn´t see them but… It was so weird.

Cato made up with Clove. In the Games. In front of the whole country. I felt like the most embarassed person who had ever existed, because I knew. I knew they did it and it was weird.

I was still partly somewhere else. Cato said me I´m a useless piece of shit. I didn´t argue, because in general he was right. I saw the smoke from a camfire at first. We argue a bit if the Three boy goes with us or not, but then we all went there. I thought nobody who made it so far would ever make such a huge campfire, but I ignore it. It couldn´t be a trap, because there was four from nine of us going to check it and we were the careers. I knew, I was a broken, useless career, Three wasn´t even a career – he wasn´t able to use any weapon – and Clove had got some really bad tracker jacker stings and they must have hurt so much, I didn´t have so many of them and I still didn´t feel good. She would never admit it hurt her or made her any problems, but sometimes I caught a glimpse of her warping face in pain. I thought Cato knew it too, but he didn´t talk about it, she would never admit it and it would only anger her. But he seemed worried.

I realized it really was a trap when I saw the little girl from Eleven almost fly in the branches near the fire. I didn´ know what was actually going on but I didn´t suppose we were gonna to find anybody by the flame. It showed that I was right, it was just a big fire made of green branches. The district three boy actually wasn´t smart enough to be silent – I think he spent too much time with electronics instead of people that he didn´t have any social intelligence.

„But… the flames… somebody had to start this fire…" He said in disbelief as if he wasn´t able to understand why somebody would have done this. He was so stupid.

„You´re so clever boy," Clove hissed at him.

„Yeah, absolutely genius," Cato add and frowned, „So as Cleverboy – I just named you like that, I don´t remember your name anyway – said, somebody had to start this fire. And that somebody is not here. So it can mean two things. First: Somebody who was so stupid to make a fire just started this huge bonfire and went away, probably to pee or something like that. Or second, somebody wanted us to go there and this is the real reason why is this stuff so fucking smoky. Can anybody tell me what is more probable?" He frowned badly at me and Three, as if it was me who said that stupid thing too. Not at Clove, of course. She´s the Miss Flawless.

„Can I, can I, please?" Clove´s voice was sweet, but I know it was a mask. She was as angry as him, maybe even more.

„Sure, Clove, don´t be affraid." He smiled as convincingly as her. I saw the three boy staring at them with such a confused face that it almost made me laugh. Almost. If there weren´t Cato´s and Clove´s.

„Well I think we should return to the lake immediately, ´cause someone is playing some stupid game with us." Clove gave up all the pretending and said it so agresively I was really afraid.

„I´m afraid it´s too late," Cato didn´t wait for us to follow him and just went back to the lake. We were almost there when a huge explosion echoed and overwhelmed me for some time. I fell on the ground and felt I was deaf for a while.

We came to the place where our camp had been. But it wasn´t anymore. It was all gone, everything burnt. Every bit of it had been blown up.

I could hardly remember what happened afterwards, because it was so quick. Cato came to the Three and broke his neck in a while. Simply. Effectively. I remembered my eyes widened as I watched him, because I knew I was next if I didn´t run away really soon. Clove did a small move towards Cato as if to calm him down, but she stopped her hand few inches from his shoulder. She turned her head in my direction and smirked. I knew I had to run as fast as I could to save my life.

I turned around and began to run. I didn´t glance back, I just ran into the forest, as deep as it was possible. I could hear Clove´s laugh. Her real laugh. I´ve heard her laughing few times, but it had never been her. Now all the insanity could be heard in her voice, she laughed as a completely crazy person, as somebody mentally ill. It frightened me more than anything. I didn´t want to see her anymore, I didn´t want to meet them. They were so vicious, so lethal and so mad.

I found some net. I didn´t know what it was doing here, I just setted it as a trap and waited. It didn´t take much time and that little girl – Rue – caught to it. I couldn´t believe it. Her, so smart, already not hurt and even seen, didn´t see my stupid trap.

I erased everything that happened then from my mind. I didn´t know what I was doing and I don´t have any excuse for what came out in my mind. I was just so scared of Clove´s laugh, that I tried to kill everything what was moving. I knew that if I saw some Clove´s move, I would be most probably dead before I could even think about it, but I didn´t care. I just threw the spear.

I saw the arrow approaching me and I knew this was it. The moment I die. It scared me how little interested I was. I just think at least it´s not Clove or Cato. It won´t hurt much. It will hurt just a little. Just for little while. When I saw Firegirl with that bow I knew she was able to use it. I knew she shot straight. Good. It would be easy.


End file.
